“You will find someone who will not find you difficult to love..and they will take on the task of loving you back to life.” -Alex Elle

“Why is he talking to me?”

“Are you just interested in trying to get with me or do you actually want to get to know me?”

“Are you trying to take advantage of me? What are your true intentions?”

These are a few of the many questions that run through my head when I first meet a man and start talking to him.  Ever since I was raped by my former close friend Alex and his friend Kevin, it has been very difficult for me to feel like I can trust men. Now, I am not saying that all men are bad; because they are not. But living in a society that is predominantly influenced by hookup culture makes it very difficult for many women who are victims of sexual assault to feel as though a man is truly interested in her and not just trying to hook up with her. Hookups, particularly on college campuses, are so normalized to the point where if you don’t want to do anything sexual with someone after knowing them for a short period of time, you are commonly labeled as a prude or told that you “need to stop playing”.

It doesn’t help that popular apps like Tinder and Bumble reinforce hookup culture and make it even harder to decipher who is actually interested in dating you and who is just trying to use you for a hookup. Though these apps do possess the potential for introducing you to new people, there’s still a sense of ambiguity in regards to what that person is actually like in reality. Are they really as kind or genuinely interested in you as they seem to be online? You hear so many stories in the media about people getting drugged during dates or even killed from people they meet through these apps. Personally, I can no longer use these apps as a method to meet people because I feel too vulnerable and as though something similar will happen to me. I was raped by two people who I never expected to violate me..what is the likelihood that a complete stranger would be inclined to do the same thing? Very high if you ask me.

Other than social media apps, the most popular and easy way to meet people during your college years is through going out to parties or to bars. Women who are raped under circumstances that involve alcohol and the party scene tend to feel very uncomfortable in these environments. I can recall a multitude of different times where I have felt incredibly awkward and anxious at a party or a bar because of my PTSD related to my rape. It does not matter if I am drinking or not; the environment of parties and being surrounded by alcohol and drunk assholes reminds me of the night I was raped. A few months after I was raped, I got a little drunk and cried at a party because I was scared of the possibility of losing control while under the influence. Did I blackout like I did the night I was raped? No, but the association of my trauma with alcohol  is enough to deter me away from it. My 21st birthday is in 3 weeks and I don’t even know if I will feel comfortable enough to legally drink to celebrate because of how much of an association I have with alcohol and my assault. I feel as though the anxiety I experience whenever I go out limits the possibilities of meeting new people and it really upsets me because I met a lot of my friends and former guys that I was interested in possibly dating through going out to parties and other social events. If people primarily meet through social media apps and parties/bars and I don’t participate in either of those..where does that leave me?

Of the men that I have dated in the past after my sexual assault, majority of them have not been accepting of my feelings and concerns related to my trauma. My former boyfriend would belittle me for not wanting to drink with him and even said it was one of the reasons why he couldn’t date me anymore…and this was well long after I told him about my sexual assault and how uncomfortable alcohol made me. At the time, I would beat myself up about it because I was so interested in him. I would often ask myself, “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you just be normal and drink?” He would also get upset with me if I would not have sex with him. I have disassociated before when we would have sex and he seemed to only be concerned with whether or not he was satisfied. I regret putting up with his emotional abuse but I know that I will never tolerate being treated like that ever again.

Another guy that I had been with tried to accuse me of calling him a rapist after I started to cry when he tried to initiate unwanted sex with me. He manipulated me into thinking I was in the wrong for making him feel upset because I wouldn’t have sex with him. After that incidence, he slowly stopped talking to me and I beat myself up about it because I felt like I was always scaring guys away. I have learned to be more firm with men and not accept any bullshit in regards to my feelings related to my trauma because they are valid and to be accepted. Because you know what? If you allow someone to behave a certain way, they will.

I have not seriously talked to a guy in over seven months; though I am still wary of getting close to someone because I do not want to experience the neglect of my feelings and concerns like I have in the past, I feel like I am in a place now where I am able to be more firm about what I want and expect. It has been very difficult for me to meet people since I do not use dating apps or go out to parties/bars, but I am becoming more confident and open to meeting people through some of my hobbies like when I go to the gym, do schoolwork around campus, or go on nature walks at parks/trails. For the time being, I am happy to continue working on building my confidence and indulging in things that make me happy. I know that someone will appreciate and accept me..and I can’t wait to share the love I have to offer with that special person.

A Message to Women/Men Dating A Victim Of Sexual Assault:

If the woman/man you are talking to or in a relationship with is a victim of sexual assault, you are obligated to believe your partner and listen to her/his concerns.; she/he wants to be heard and know that you still care for her/him despite what she/he has been through.

Although your partner may know that what happened to her/him wasn’t her/his fault, she/he might feel guilty and as though she/he is disappointing you when it comes to not being comfortable with doing some sexual acts. Respect her/him to prevent re-triggering feelings associated with trauma and take things slowly; when your partner feels ready, ask for consent. She/he will appreciate it and trust you more.

A Message to Women/Men Who Are Victims of Sexual Assault:

If a man/woman tries to make you feel bad for not wanting to do something that you are not comfortable with…RUN. Respect cannot be taught and you deserve someone who will not manipulate you into thinking your feelings are invalid. Though it may be difficult to find this special person, know that he/she exists and that you do not need to settle for someone who isn’t treating you the way you should be treated.