“I am exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.” -Unknown

I never thought that I would develop an anxiety and panic disorder; sure, I am more prone than the average person because of my trauma from my sexual assault, but I always considered myself to be an extremely laid back and overall bubbly individual. I used to and still get stressed about exams and my future, all of which are completely normal..but over the past year, I began struggling with intense, crippling anxiety that typically arises out of nowhere or due to over thinking. I have panic attacks on average 3-4 times a week and it has seriously been taking a toll on my well-being. In this post, I am going to describe what my anxiety and panic attacks feel like, what triggers them, and coping mechanisms that I have tried. Although the understanding of the importance of mental health is continuously increasing, there is still a lack of communication among people with the same disorders that leave people feeling like they are helpless or alone. Many of the people who I have talked to have told me that they never knew that someone experiences the same things that they do. I hope that my experiences with living with an anxiety and panic disorder will comfort those that feel alone.

The Feels n Triggers

“I am not afraid of death. I worry about living.” -Margaret Drabble

All of my panic attacks start similarly and escalate due to my excessive knowledge about different health conditions..at times I feel as though I picked the wrong major (nursing) because I connect everything I learn in class to how I feel. Oh, my chest randomly starts to get tight and I take my pulse which happens to be a resting 180 bpm?? My mind convinces me that I’m having a heart attack. Or maybe I have a pulmonary embolism…or maybe I’m going to have a seizure because I’m starting to twitch and get extremely dizzy. And I realize that I’m forgetting to breathe because I am thinking too much..so I begin to hyperventilate, which in turn makes everything worse because it makes me more dizzy and convinces me even more so that something is wrong. There have been times where I have told myself and my parents that I needed to go to the hospital and that I thought I was going to die. And honestly, when my panic attacks get me so worked up, I truly do feel like I’m dying…it’s a seriously scary feeling. What is even scarier is that there have been times that I have accepted that I was going die and felt comfortable with it because I just wanted the pain and worry that I was feeling to be over with.

I want to make it clear that I am in no way, shape or form suicidal, nor do I have the actual desire to die. I love life and everything it has to offer; however, during a panic attack, I wish I had a tranquilizer of some sort just to shut my mind up and stop myself from getting so worked up. All of my panic attacks are due to me connecting what I decipher as abnormal bodily situations to health conditions/diseases…I never get panic attacks over school work, but the stress and anxiety that school induces is a big contributor to my panic attacks by making me more vulnerable to thinking irrationally. For this reason, my panic attacks have been more prevalent than ever this past fall semester. I still experience panic attacks during breaks, but at most twice a week (in comparison to the average of 3-4 times/week during the semester).

My panic attacks last anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. They happen anywhere at anytime and they can be very inconvenient depending on where I am. I have had panic attacks during exams, class, clinical and while sitting at home..it doesn’t really matter where I am. When I start to feel a panic attack coming on when I am not in the comfort of my own home, I typically have to ride out the horrible thoughts and feelings since I do not want to verbalize what I am experiencing in public. While my mind is racing, I have a really hard time concentrating on tasks and engaging with others; I feel as though I am not fully present in the moment and that I am very forgetful. If I have the opportunity to do so, I usually excuse myself and go to the bathroom to try to do some deep breathing exercises (I always hope that nobody shit in the bathroom that day so I don’t have to breath in that nastiness lol) to gather my composure and reassure myself that everything will be okay. Your mind isn’t always a fun playground to play in..you need to get out of your head ASAP once you start to feel the slightest bit anxious to prevent things from further escalating.

My Coping Mechanisms

Below are a few things that I have tried and my experiences with them; if you are struggling with an anxiety or panic disorder, I hope these coping mechanisms may give you some comfort as they do for me.

Deep Breathing Techniques

“Breath in the flowers, blow out the candles.” -My mother

I like to breath in deeply through my nose for three seconds and exhale slowly through my mouth for three seconds. If I do this for five to ten minutes straight, I start to feel more calm and my heart rate significantly drops. It’s important to identify your symptoms as you feel the onset of an anxiety or panic attack so you can immediately counteract it with an effective coping mechanism. I try to do deep breathing exercises wherever I am as soon as I start to feel as though a panic attack is imminent; sometimes it takes longer for me to calm down using this technique than it normally does, but I have to remind myself to be patient and just keep breathing because the feeling will eventually subside.

Lifting

One thing about anxiety and panic disorders is that is makes you feel mentally and physically weak. Lifting at the gym has been one of the most beneficial things for me because it makes me feel the complete opposite; while I am lifting, I feel strong and happy (cus endorphins!!! s/o to our bodies for making natural opioids). The combination of listening to my favorite music while doing something I love has made such a positive difference on my life. I look forward to going to the gym everyday and consider it to be synonymous to a playground..but ya know, for adults. Yes, I love going to the gym to build my physique, but the main reason why I love going to the gym so much is because of how therapeutic it is for me.

Talking to My Mom & Friends

I strongly believe that it is imperative to have a solid support system, whether it be your friends, family, therapist, professors..or anyone else that you can talk to while you are experiencing symptoms. I have been advised multiple times by doctors to see a therapist, and they even made appointments with a therapist on Temple’s campus; however, I never made it to any of the two appointments that were scheduled. I lack the desire to see a therapist because my mother specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy and I feel as though she provides me more comfort and answers than anyone else ever will. Another reason why I never went to my scheduled appointments was because I felt as though I was being forced to go. It also took up too much time out of my busy nursing school schedule, which made me even more anxious because I felt as though I had to make time for something I wasn’t even interested in. My point is…talk to whoever helps you the most!

Making Time for Self Care/Me Time

Be gentle with yourself and do things that make you feel good. This is what helps calm me down:

1. Waking up early every morning so I have the time to get my mind right for the day and not have to rush. I love having my morning green tea and making my lunch for the day while I make my breakfast. This helps me get in a good mood early on and prevent negative thoughts.
2. Bubble baths, face masks, doing my nails…all that fun girly stuff to make you feel clean and pretty.
3. Lighting candles and doing deep breathing exercises while watching the flame dance around really helps calm me down if I am having a panic attack at home. Most candles smell really good too, especially the hot cocoa marshmallow from Bath & Body Works (highly recommend!!!).
4. Reading for enjoyment rather than just reading for class. I have read a lot of self-help books about anxiety and depression (favorites: “Lost Connections” -Johann Hari & “On Edge” -Andrea Peterson) that have helped me identify some of the contributing factors to my disorders and provide comfort to me. I find it very calming to read things I am interested in and am very fond of the feeling of turning over pages.
5. Journaling/blogging about my feelings to help get the thoughts and emotions out of my head so they do not manifest. I prefer blogging because I do not want to feel as though I am hiding how I feel from the world and so I can help others know that they are not alone. I like doing this at the end of the day to help promote a restful sleep or during the day if I have the urge to start writing.
6. Praying before bed every night to help promote a restful sleep. Prior to a month ago, I never considered myself to be religious due to being forced to go to church while I was enrolled at a Catholic school (similarly to the therapy situation, being forced into things has never worked for me even at a young age). However, during one of my nursing classes, we somehow ended up in a fancy Ukrainian church that has one of the ten original copies in the world of the imprint of Jesus after his crucifixion. When I looked at it, I got the chills and felt something I had never felt before; I felt bonded to this piece of cloth and as though it spoke to me, saying, “God will resolve your pain and misery.” After that happened, I prayed that same night and cried because of how moved I felt. Putting my trust in a higher being helps provide me comfort and it is therapeutic to talk to God every night before I go to bed.
7. When it is warm out, I really like going on walks, hiking, and bike rides by myself to clear my mind. Different forms of exercise outside the gym is enjoyable to me and again, endorphins are seriously your BFF!!

Medications

While I am not a supporter of pharma because they are primarily concerned about making money (hence the opioid epidemic and recreational abuse of Xanax) and because I prefer non-pharmacological methods of reducing anxiety, there may come a time where enough is enough. Some medications (ex: SSRIs) reduce anxiety because they help balance neurotransmitters in your brain; for example, not having enough serotonin can cause depression and anxiety…so, by blocking the re-uptake of serotonin, there will be more of this happy neurotransmitter available to positively impact your mood. I refuse to take SSRIs because I do not like the side effects associated with them (weight gain, loss of sex drive, etc). I also refuse to take Xanax or Valium because of how addictive and habit-forming they are. I was recently prescribed Buspar, which has no major side effects and typically takes about 3-4 weeks to be effective. I am hoping that it helps take the edge off and I will provide an update on my experience with the medication in a few weeks.

Support + Feedback

If you have any questions about anxiety and/or panic disorders, feel free to ask me through email or instagram, as I am an open book and want to increase the awareness + acceptance of these disorders.