“Your trauma is not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.”

I originally began writing this blog post about three weeks ago with the intent of sharing my newfound knowledge about the outcome of my sexual assault case. It had been over two years since I received any updates about my case, and I honestly believe that if I didn’t advocate for myself by reaching out to Temple’s Title IX coordinator and chief of police, I never would have been told the final decision of Philadelphia’s district attorney (who I will refer to as the DA in this post).

Prior to receiving the news about the outcome of my case, there was not one day during these past two years that went by without me wondering about the status of my case. Did the DA forget about my case because the city has “more important” issues to worry about? Would I ever receive some form of justice for the demoralizing sexual violence done against me? I was stuck in a predicament of wanting to fight the system to follow through with my case and wanting to move on with my life to focus on the positive things going for me. Like many survivors of sexual assault, I initially chose to bottle up my feelings and not process the effect it had on my mental health. My cortisol levels went through the roof and I began to develop intense anxiety to the point where it would be normal for me to have at least one panic attack a day (read my previous blog post about my anxiety). Thankfully, I do not experience these crippling panic attacks anymore because of my medication, but it did not change the fact that I felt like a helpless victim rather than a survivor of sexual assault due to feeling ignored by the system.

One month ago, I ran into one of my rapists at Temple’s IBC gym. I knew that Alex transferred to Temple in the fall of 2018, but I never understood how on God’s green Earth he was accepted when there was an active criminal charge against him through both Philadelphia’s & Temple’s police. I never saw him during the fall and figured that I wouldn’t have to worry about running into him because of how big of a school Temple is. I was utterly shocked when I saw Alex walk into IBC and made eye contact with him. An indescribable combination of panic, fear, rage, and sadness coursed throughout my entire being. Part of me wanted to throw punches and weights to severely hurt him…another part of me wanted to point at him and scream to everyone in the crowded gym, “THIS BOY IS A RAPIST!!” While doing these would have made me feel immense satisfaction, I chose to leave the gym instead so I could call my mother and proceeded to have a panic attack. It was déjà vu’ in its worst form; I was reminded of the emotional pain that I had not felt since I filed my case, which is what made me realize that enough is enough.

The following day after running into Alex, I reached out to Temple’s Title IX coordinator and the chief of police to figure out the status of my case. Not only did I supply them both with all of the texts and picture evidence that I had kept on my phone, but I also conveyed my concern for my safety and the safety of other women on campus. Why would Temple accept an individual with an active criminal charge and want to have a walking liability on their campus? Although I am not too knowledgeable about different laws, what I do know is that Temple could get into a lot of trouble for accepting someone with an active criminal charge or if Alex sexually assaulted other women on campus. Temple was recently under fire by the public because of the multiple sexual assault reports surrounding the former president of AEPI, Ari Goldstein. I wanted that same outcome for my case so badly and to feel like both Alex and Kevin would receive repercussions for raping me. I felt as though my case was ignored because it did not involve multiple women making reports and that it was deemed as being not a big deal in comparison to the AEPI scandal. I communicated my frustration and how it was unfair to not be treated with the same urgency to the Title IX coordinator and the chief of police. I was told that Temple’s student conduct would be involved and that they would reach out to Philadelphia’s Special Victim’s Unit (SVU) to speak with the detective of my case. I felt a sense of hope that things would finally be moving forward and that I would be getting justice, but it would ultimately prove to be false hope.

Three weeks ago, I was informed by Temple’s chief of police that the DA dismissed my case two years ago. I was told that I would receive information about the status of my case in the mail but never did. The SVU claimed that they tried to contact me through my cell phone, but I never received any phone calls, voice mails, or emails from them. In this moment, I felt completely dead emotionally and physically. How could they refuse to process my case when I had more than sufficient evidence? My uncontrollable sobbing could not be consoled and I wanted to do nothing but shrivel up and die. It was a lot to process in that moment because during these past two years of my life, my brain had been constantly occupied with questioning the status of my case and hoping for some sort of justice. I felt hopeless and as though I was regressing back into the dark, depressive place that I had been in two years ago when I was raped.

I went home that weekend to be with my parents and began to skip most of my classes because I didn’t have the energy to be surrounded by other people. The only time I really left the house would be to go to the gym to train and hope that the endorphins released from working out would make me feel better. I could feel myself isolating myself from others, which only continued to make things worse because I began to feel alone. Sure, I had the love and support of my parents, but I was in turn neglecting some of the friendships I had made up at school by spending so much time at home to try to make myself feel better. This depressive episode lasted about two weeks and ended when I finally decided a week and a half ago that I was done self-sabotaging myself.

“We generate fears while we do nothing…we overcome these fears by taking action.”

I am no longer allowing the sexual violence I experienced to control my life and attitude. As angry as I am about the outcome of my case, I finally have closure and feel as though I am finally ready to move forward with focusing on doing positive things for myself. I allowed myself to have a catharsis to get rid of these negative feelings, and although these feelings may resurface from time to time, I know that I am allowed to feel these feelings rather than bottling them up. I am practicing mindfulness more to appreciate the genuine people and positive experiences that fill my life. Fear can be paralyzing, but I have focused my energy towards my career goals, my love for traveling, friends, and family to move forward in my life and feel ALIVE again. They say life is a celebration…and I’m ready to fall in love with enjoying my life again.